Why Are Some People Always Late?
By Susanne Goldstein on Jan 16, 2008 in The Social Age
My mom brought me up to believe that if I am late meeting someone, it means that I consider my time more valuable than their time. Since I live in The Social Age and truly don’t believe that my time is more valuable than anyone else’s, this phenomenon has translated into always being 20 minutes early (of course this has it’s own problems, but that’s for another post). So my question is this: Why are some people perpetually late? Is it that they are truly disorganized? Don’t have a watch? Forget to add in travel time? Really think they are more important than the people they are meeting?
I always try to see the good in people, so I’m going to assume for a minute that anyone I am meeting doesn’t believe that their time is more important than mine. So it has to be one of those other reasons. For the person who is -disorganized-doesn’t-have-a-watch-can’t-get-out-the-door-without-doing-one-last-thing forgets-to add-time-for-parking, I have a name. I call them Time Optimists.
Time Optimists are people who are always, always, late. I have a friend, Rachel, who can not, for her life, arrive somewhere on time — be it work, a date, a dinner. One day I was with Rachel and she need to do a “quick errand” in the 15 minutes we had between needing to be here and then there.
“It’ll take 5 minutes,” she told me.
“Oh, really?” I replied. I think not.
We then broke down the task at hand. She needed to get online and print, then fax something. To her, this was a 5 minute task. What she had not accounted for was that 1) she had to find the email with the link to the site she needed, 2) she had to find a separate email with the fax number, 3) she had to print the document, 4) fill it out, 5) fax it. It would take us 7 minutes (she estimated 3) to walk to my house to use my computer, and 11 minutes to walk to where we needed to be. So what she had estimated as 5 minutes, was really (according to my calculations) 24 minutes (I was right). Now I understood why Rachel was always late.
I gently explained Time Optimism to her. She responded enthusiastically and promised to do better in estimating how long it would take her to get from here to there, or there to somewhere else in the future. She found this to be a fun game. Rachel is not a bad person. She’s just a bad time estimator. But there was hope, and she was optimistic (of course).
I had dinner with Rachel recently. She was only 15 minutes late. This was a coup! I’ve expressed to her how her lateness is not very Social Age. That if she cared about my feelings (I hate when people are late) that she would make better effort to try to be at least close to on time. She’s working on it. And for that I love her. As for her promptness in the future, I’m hopeful, but not optimistic.
Just think if you showed up on time rather than 20 minutes early how much time you would have saved up to enjoy doing other things rather than waiting for others.
I can see 20 minutes if you are picking up a friend at the airport or such, but to have lunch or a local appointment seems overkill.
I know many business people who do not like others showing up that early for business appointments.
I know I spend enough of my life waiting in lines to want to spend time I can control as my own by waiting for others.
J.
Comment by Julia N. -- Jan 18, 2008 @ 11:04 am
Julia-
I completely agree with you, so I have worked hard to be “on time” instead of “before time”. Opposite of the Time Optimist, I am a Time Pessimist and always assume it will take me longer to walk, drive, park than it does.
I’ve improved quite a bit and now show up right on time. The change took a lot of discipline on my part, but I made it work. My question: Can it work for the Time Optimist as well/
Thanks for your comments
Susanne
Comment by Susanne Goldstein -- Jan 18, 2008 @ 11:32 am
I recently took the Enneagram test. Turns out I’m a 7 and 7’s are labeled as adventurers and enthusiasts but we also procrastinate, appear scattered, and have commitment issues. No doubt, 7’s are time optimists as well, we simply don’t want to miss out on anything and are absolutely convinced we can somehow be here and there at the same time. In some parallel universe, we thrive!
Comment by Pam (aka Rachel) -- Jan 21, 2008 @ 3:20 pm
Pam, Rachel, and the other Enneagram 7s (and anyone else who cares):
I too am a 7 on the Enneagram. And although we may have a tendency to be late (or a time optimist), I choose to always be early (most of the time).
In fact, I wrote an article entitled, “How to Always be on Time.”
You can check it out at:
http://www.steveshapiro.com/2007/04/03/how-to-always-be-on-time/
[if that link doesn’t work, try http://tinyurl.com/2l9obg]
Enjoy!
Steve
Comment by Steve Shapiro -- Jan 21, 2008 @ 9:11 pm
This doesn’t apply to Rachel but your post made me think this: http://roshanpaul.blogspot.com/2008/01/my-friend-susanne-recently-published.html
Hope you are well!
Comment by Roshan -- Jan 21, 2008 @ 10:40 pm
It’s easy to conclude that the chronically late don’t value other people’s time as much as their own, however, it’s the opposite that’s actually a lot closer to the truth. It is their OWN time they don’t value.
They’re the ones that agreed to be there. So, they don’t value their own word either. Being late always starts every meeting, or appointment off on the wrong foot. The late person begins with a handicap, and thus presents themselves as less than who they are. backpedaling and apologies ensue, or they try and justify or defend their lateness. Shame, ineffectiveness, resentment
etc. etc. add infinitum. When the chronically late finally confront that it is themselves whom they are really hurting, then their it is time for an epiphany, and hopefully before it’s too late.
Comment by Fortnoy amnestoy -- Jan 22, 2008 @ 1:59 am
As a chronically late person, this was an accurate catalog of the many emotions I experience while driving (or walking)somewhere where I know I will be (or already are) late.
I appreciated Fortnoy’s comments that I need to value my own time. That is a new take on this.
I do and will continue to try to be on time, but I will have successful days and lapse days.
Comment by Debbie -- Jan 22, 2008 @ 12:28 pm
Hello Suzanne - I landed here from Roshan’s blog!
And as a chronic ‘time optimist’ (but a 2-minutes-late person, not 20) I enjoyed your entry and indeed, some people will tend to assume that things will go perfectly fine — that the bus will be waiting the moment you get to the station, that the road will be clear, that you can finish editing this report by lunchtime — and somehow fail to learn from their previous experience that, well, things usually don’t work that well!
In any event, for other time optimists out there, an interesting article: http://lifestyle.msn.com/mindbodyandsoul/personalgrowth/articlegh.aspx?cp-documentid=7245693&page=1
Good luck to everyone in being on time! And for those who feel upset that some of us are late - it sincerely isn’t a question of disrespect, or ‘my time is more valuable than yours’ argument.. because we’re just as likely to be late for a plane as it is for our lunch appointment!
Comment by Mohamed -- May 18, 2008 @ 6:35 am
I have a friend who is horribly late and couldn’t care less if it bothers anybody else. If she says “okay, I’m ready, let’s go”, I gab my purse and head out the door towards the car. On average it’s about another 20 minutes before the keys are in the ignition and we’re actually leaving. One time about 2 hours. Once I even made a point of getting to her place early as we had planned to get going early in the day and I sat around for 2 and a half hours before she was actually ready. This “just relax” attitude she has about time, I’m realizing is disrespectful of others. I’m not a time nazi, but seriously, she must have some sort of control issue or narcissistic trait that leads her to behave this way.
I’m usually 20 or so minutes early too. In L.A. you never know what the traffic is going to be like so I usually play it safe if I’m meeting someone.
Comment by Blerg -- Feb 20, 2009 @ 4:56 am
Wow, this post is really a fit for me today! I am always 5 - 10 minutes late, and I’m married to a 20 minutes early person. While we are incredibly compatible in other ways, this needless to say, it the source of great tension. I am indeed a time optimist. it’s not that I don’t value other people’s time (though I am often accused of this) I’m just really bad at estimating how long something will take. the fax example could absolutely be me! I am trying to work on this, as I have been for years. I actually used to be 15 minutes late, so I have improved. But not enough. I don’t know what the answer is for me, but viewing it in this way might (might) be a breakthrough. One comment I would make to those early people who are dealing with a “time optimist” like myself is to recognize the improvements - however small. And when those late people in your life are on time (which I am sometimes as well) a litte recognition could go a long way.
thanks to those who posted articles. Any suggestions or ideas would be helpful!
Comment by tmw -- Mar 8, 2009 @ 9:07 pm
I consider myself as an on time person. I am 80% 2-3 minutes early, sometimes on time, and sometimes 5 minutes late. My boyfriend on the other hand is the CHRONIC LATE PERSON. We always leave the house 2 hours late after me trying to coach him to get ready. Then, if I am patient and don’t say anything, I could wait 4-5 hours before leaving the house.
There has been several occasions when I let him borrow my car and I was left stranded for 30 minutes- 1.5 hours. When I confront him he gets defensive and angry and say I’m obsessive about time. And the list goes on and on…..
I fear one day he will not be there when I really need him one day.
I have been going through this for a while and I am getting to the point that where I can’t take it any more. I am not sure what to do….
Any suggestions would be helpful! Thanks!
Comment by Ash K -- Apr 1, 2009 @ 6:52 pm
Wow I know exactly how you feel! I have a friend who is so late that we’ve actually missed 2 concerts because of her tardiness. I grew up in a household where, like you said, if someone is late they think their time is more valuable. I personally cannot stand to be late anywhere much less have any one waiting on me. I find it ridiculous that some people are late to everything! 5-10 minutes is ok but still not very considerate of the other persons time or feelings. I guess i just don’t get it.
Comment by Marissa -- May 29, 2009 @ 2:35 am